Flauraan, Abigail is 20

After her prolonged legation on Halapatov, Reeina has returned to Flauraan. I feel that I have not completed sufficient enough tasks to warrant a meeting with her, but I attend the one she invites me too regardless, knowing she won’t begrudge me my lack of progress just yet.

She is incredibly empathetic of course, asking lots of questions about my recovery, making sure I’m comfortable, triple checking that this advocacy for Werayne is something I have capacity for and am enthusiastic to do. I don’t know how effective I’ll be but I think it’s important to try; to unravel the propaganda that is so deeply rooted in our society. We go over the rough programme Reeina had delivered to me (that I have at least already presented to the Council) and discuss potential implementations and variations, necessitating some liaison with the Weraynian and Aandriggian activists we’d been working with previously.

Then Reeina says, “I’m sure we’ll be able to make this work around your schedule at the healing centre.”, and I realise I’ll have to reveal myself as a failure to yet another person.

“I’m actually not… continuing with my studies.”

A silence falls between us. Reeina might not have expected that answer but she isn’t questioning it. I feel like I need to explain.

“I realised I was only studying healing so that I could be useful in the war. Since it ended, I haven’t been able to concentrate on it the way I used to.”

Reeina is always very composed but I catch the barest pursing of her lips, as if she is considering suggesting that there might be other reasons for my difficulty concentrating. I decide to forge on, to be understood.

“I don’t think I really wanted to do it in the first place, it was something I had to do to keep me sane.”

“Abigail you don’t need to explain yourself to me. The healing path served you for an earlier time in your life, and no longer fulfills that anymore. I admire you for recognising that.”

I still feel like I’m missing something. I am decidedly unmoored, adrift, desperate for something to make sense of my mangled personhood.

“Reeina,” I venture, in a childlike pleading tone that I despise in myself..” How did you decide to be a leader? Did you feel like you had to, because of your powers?”

She considers this thoughtfully. “When I was a child I felt like I had all this insight that got ignored. I pursued leadership because I wanted to be listened to. So yes, it is a choice I made because of my powers, but it was still my choice.”

I fixate on my hand on the table. “I don’t feel like I’ve had any agency in my own life for years. Everything has just been thrust upon me. There have been no choices.”

Reeina contemplates this for a moment. I can feel her gaze piercing me but I can’t make myself meet her eyes. The shame I feel at my malcontent is writhing within me. What a selfish thing to say after everything that happened during the war. Who truly had a choice what happened to them? Did any Weraynian? Any Aandriggian? We all have little choice but to walk the path laid out for us. So why do I feel so hopeless?

“You feel like your involvement in the Weraynian Scare meant that you were set on a path towards the Weraynian war?” Her words pierce my soul, expose me. “Or perhaps your entanglement with Sophie?”

Discomfort flickers through me and I push down the alarm this elicits; I shake my head. “Since before then even, I feel like I’ve had doom hanging over me my entire life.”

“Ah.” Reeina says, and I don’t know if I should feel pathetic or pleased to have stumped her like this.

After a heavy pause, Reeina speaks slowly, “Do you remember what I said to you, years ago, when you returned from Halapatov in despondency?”

I stare at her, shocked. Of course I remember that horrible day. I suppose from Reeina’s perspective I was so dissociated from myself that it’s possible I didn’t retain anything she said, but in fact I held onto her words like a mantra. It was the only thing. The only thing. That helped at all.

I nod. “I do.”

"That must've seemed decidely foolish, if you've felt like this for that long."

I shake my head. I don't want her to feel bad for my own inadequacies. "No, it was the right thing to say. It helped. And you were right. But back then I was able to just go through the motions and ignore how I was feeling, and I can't do that anymore."

"That's quite mature." Reeina says. "That's not a bad thing. That's healthy."